1. “You’re fat.” Who me? Oh, my God! Look at the size of my ass. You’re right. Thanks for enlightening me.
2. “You really should lose weight.” Really? Why didn’t I think about that? It’s a revolutionary idea that I’m sure no fat person has ever heard before.
3. “You shouldn’t eat that.” What if I’m hungry? Oh wait . . . what’s that you say?
4. “That hamburger is full of fat, sodium, calories and probably anthrax that will kill you on your next bite.” But, it’s only my third one today.
5. “I’m just worried about your health.” No, you’re not. If you were, you’d say something like, “hey, how’s your health?”
6. “No, really, you’re going to die.” So are you. And if you smoke, drink, use drugs, suffer from depression, have a family history of heart disease, skip your yearly pap smear, don’t wear your seat belt, a helmet or sunscreen, or earn your living doing anything more dangerous than writing copy–chances are you’ll kick it before me.
7. “You probably eat McDonald’s five times a week.” And two whole cakes for dessert.
8. “Eat less and exercise more.” Wow! You’re just a font of knowledge that no one has ever said or written about before. What would I do without you. Let me go that right away.
9. “Don’t skip breakfast, fill up on fiber, cut back on calories and fat, eat a lot of protein, no make that carbs, no wait, protein, and stop eating when prime time TV comes on.” You are seriously a weight loss genius. Someone should pay you a lot of money for these ideas. No one has tapped that market, right?
10. “I don’t want my taxes to pay for your gluttony.” Your compassion overwhelms me. To repay you, I’ll have weight loss surgery–oh wait. That might kill me and probably won’t work in the long term anyway. How about if I just promise to let my taxes pay for your health care right back?
11. “Fat people can’t . . .” Wanna bet?
12. “Did I mention you’re going to die?” Uh huh.