* Where I don’t have to talk myself out of sudden, random hopes that my set point will reset to 200 pounds less than my current weight?
* Where I don’t wonder, out of the blue, if I would have weight loss surgery if money wasn’t an obstacle?
* Where I can eat without analyzing every bite?
* Where movement truly has nothing to do with wanting be skinny and everything to do with how good it feels and how it improves my health?
* Where I don’t feel an occasional spark of jealousy when I see pictures of people who used to be fat?
* Where I fully understand that it isn’t my fat that’s holding me back from the things I want to do?
These thoughts aren’t constant. They sneak up on me and bite me in the ass sometimes. I know the answers. I do. I wish I could shut off the questions.
I walked outside yesterday for two miles. It hurt. My heart and lungs were all for more, for going faster, for reaching–I wasn’t panting or feeling like I might be having a heart attack. But my legs. My left hip had a sharp pain. My right calf was so tight and then achy that I was actual limping. I had to keep slowing down and it was so frustrating.
I didn’t understand why it hurt to walk outside, but not on the treadmill. The answer was obvious when I got home: I was going faster. On the treadmill, I have more control over my speed. As soon as I feel a twinge, I slow down. Walking outside is different.
Also, I walked a mile out and a mile back from my house. My house is in the bottom of a depression–it’s uphill for at least a mile in every direction. So I walked straight up hill for the first mile–and I went faster than on the treadmill. The second mile was considerably easier, coming down hill with the wind at my back.
But it hurt. I don’t want it to hurt! And I had a really hard time yesterday during my walk turning off the idea that if I just lost weight, this would be easier.
And then I remembered: I can trust my body. If I ask it to do something, it will if its able. And since I’m asking it to be an athlete, it’s responding. Painfully, sometimes. But, sill, responding.
Guess what? It’s taking time to be the athlete I want to be, because my body isn’t used to the work required. Not because it’s fat. If I was skinny, or skinnier, but hadn’t run in 25 years, it would hurt then, too.
This isn’t about losing weight. Even if I have to remind myself of that 1000 times a day.
I’m off to the gym with a lot on my mind.